Transparency Syndrome.

I feel like a looking glass.

View your life before and after.

Right through me.

Good or bad, it's all just news.

Another day spent, another lesson learned. I was right all along when it comes to those I consider friends or family -- bunch of drama queens. Another day, another dollar, another wasted moment. Blech. I'm so sick of this pathetic mood I'm in. Maybe it's the weather. It's been quite dreary lately and it's causing me to be this Edgar Allan Poe-ish character, of sorts. My moods change with the wind, or so my mother tells me. Hm. I'm sitting here pondering as to what I actually had to write about... It's interesting really, and I find myself comedic because of this... but I know that writing things down, keeps me in line. Helps me stay focused, collected -- calm. But instead of writing every day so I never reach the point of blowing up, I just wait for that moment to arise, then jot everything down. God, I'm nuts. No -- not nuts. I'm just ready to experience something beautiful. Truly beautiful, instead of seeing misery. So no, I retract that statement. Not nuts -- hopeful. I'm trying my hardest to be in the greatest of moods. I've made tons of new friends since I've been home, I'm working... getting ready to get back in school. Life is truly good. I just need to keep my chin up. I'm listening to one of my all time favorite songs right now and it makes me smile. Screeching Weasel's " Sunshine".

" So let the sunshine in and chase away your blues. 'Cause smilers never lose and frowners never win, so let the sunshine in, I know its fucking hard, but now its time to try and start to let the sunshine in. The sun's gonna shine on you. So, let the sunshine through."

What goes up, must come down.

So I've learned over the past half a decade, whatever rises, must fall to its demise. Whether or not we see this as our reality, is our own choice. Most people try to avoid the negatives... I, the disfunctional as well as malfunctional human that I am, embrace them. Call it a gift or curse. It means little to me, I just assume you're just as I am, picking on others faults. Funny how we're one in the same, isn't it?

Anyway, the reason that I had brought this up to begin with is to talk about myself. A laugh escapes me, from that comedic slur of words. I'm so vain. But only to a certain degree. Beautiful things give me a glimpse of hope, for something better. The harsh, brutal and ugly, just give me stepping stones to get a better look at my beloved. But, if you think about it, that makes me a harsh, brutal and ugly. How do I save myself from the demise of those I choose to step on? Blend in. Keep a keen eye. I have such a scewed view of things. Am I crazy? I ponder way too much for my own good. I question everything... and I have a feeling that this is the cause of my downfall.

Why ask why?

It's one hell of a question.

I question humankind, as Icarus questioned his powers of flight, to rise to the sun. Only to fall, to his death in the Aegean Sea...

I can only hope that my fall is as just and poetic...

Blech.

Is it truly this easy to slip back into a rhythm, that was created so long ago? A pattern that has been strayed away from for a year? Well, from my experience this last week... nothing is impossible. I don't really want to talk about it though... because from what I know about myself, talking gets me nowhere. I can sit, talk and bullshit all day long, but when it comes to doing something, I have to just do it. So, new subject.

I need to find something I love...

Speaking of love... I'm turning into such a pessimist. What is love? Do I even know what love truly is? These questions have been running through my mind for the longest time and I have yet to answer them. Maybe I just think I know what love is. I've had this brick wall built up so high, when it comes to giving someone my all in a romantic way. I'm listening to him sing his songs of love and loss and I feel my heart sinking in my chest...

My wall is starting to snap, crack and tumble...

I'm scared now -- unfortunately, this feeling is all too familiar...

Is home truly where the heart is?

Well, I have reached my final destination and that statement alone equally elates and terrifies me. What will I do now? Where will I go? The possibilities are endless for me now and for some reason, having the world at my fingertips scares the daylights out of me. Maybe its the lack of sleep, the excessive smoking of cigarettes to curb the hunger pains that came to haunt me for twelve hours. Maybe I'm just nervous and mistaking it for fear. From what I've learned throughout my life, there is a fine line between the two... despite its pt. size, it's still there. The missing of my friends from what seems like a completely different life, is setting in. I feel as though I've experienced reincarnation first hand. I just didn't quite become the bird that so many people wish to be. I hatched, blossomed and slightly flew. Soaring was out of the question for me at the present time. I don't think I even know how to soar. I don't think that's something that can be taught... it has to be felt. Right now I feel nothing but the longing for my companions, from the previous life I longed to leave, for so long. Was I rushing? Was I really not ready for this? I just tricked myself into thinking I was?

No.

I have to stop and think... no -- realize, that I'm grown. It's time to do things and live my life as I'm supposed to. But, sorry to burst the bubble for the rest of you machines who dare to call yourselves human beings, I will not run around talking robotics. I refuse to be like everyone else... getting up at six-thirty in the morning to be at work by seven fifty-five. Remember: If your early you're on time... on time, you're late. Thinking about the trivial things I went through this past year, makes me ridiculously sick. No walking on green grass. No wearing flipflops outside. No dressing the way you want to dress, because it gives you individuality. To them, you're nothing but a robot of soul destruction. A number. An identification card.

I regret nothing of what I've said and done. Without the previous mistakes I've made in my life, to have gotten me to that point... I wouldn't have met the wonderful people I had. Beautiful people. Intelligent people. The only worry I have is this -- being forgotten. I have this impeccible memory of the people I meet and the people I make friends with. No matter how long its been, how far away people get from me, no matter what they end up doing with their lives, I will always remember them. I never forget a face and a name. I always tend to care and miss people who have long forgotten about me. I hope, that for once in my life the good ones I've met, get to stay for a while...

My fall and my rise..

I'm up, walking again with my head held high. What a sense of relief it is to feel nothing for the trivial things that go on. To reach the point of my own inner persona bliss. There's a song that I'm listening to at this current time and it's just my kind of perfect. It talks about not giving up, not settling, not giving in. I found out this morning that I'm finally going home from this place that has dragged me down, yet helped me rise to where I am now.

They were lying when they said, "home is where the heart is." For some reason my heart is here, with my friends that I've made... and the stories I've created with these people. The memories we've shared. The ones I'm speaking of, know who they are and I will have a spot in my heart, forever for them. My artistic pal with the laugh I will most surely miss; my pill-popping buddy who shares my will to live life to the fullest and with spontaneity; my best friend, who was there for me no matter what. Through the late nights and early afternoons of crying my eyes out; through the brutal bashings of my fellow classmates, he cared for me and helped me pick myself up, by his kind words and was the only one, throughout the whole time I had been here, to treat me with complete respect. For him, if he ever reads this (or even if he doesn't)... thank you.

A new beginning.

Well, I've done it. I've begun to see the light at the end of my tunnel, one of the many that I'll encounter. But, to see the end shining so brightly, can make one ecstatic to the point of losing focus. In all honesty, I never expected to make it this far. I never knew I could ever feel this much relief in one sitting... all of which that happened because of me. People helped me along the way, through this impeccable journey of buzzing whispers, hateful individuals who get their kicks from disadvantaging others. I've been kicked down, dragged and brutally beaten to a point where I didn't think I'd ever get up... but now, as I raise my head, slowly open my eyes... I smile.

I see the light; shining so beautifully. I know now that the brutal bashings I have dealt with over the past year, were worth it. All of the pain and suffering, wasn't all for nothing. All I have to do now, is keep my eye on the target. Something I've been doing all along, I just wasn't really able to see it. I was going at things blind, not knowing exactly where I wanted to be... I was just shooting for something. I knew I needed to grasp the ledge I was falling from...I was too scared to open my eyes; blindly casting out, hoping to grasp at something in the neverending abyss. I laugh, silently to myself, with glee because even though I had done this, I still was following my heart. I still found something; despite the pebbles falling into black nothingness underneath me, from where I had fallen and me dangling over this darkened hole of opportunity. It makes me wonder now, if I had actually seen and had a goal, what my outcome would be. Once again, here comes the laughter, that has so much been held back these last three hundred, some odd, days.

I only laugh because I'm happy. I have realized something, once again. My full potential is endless. My abilities are endless. I laugh, once more and finally let go of the ledge I've clenched. I spiral downward into a state of release. I am free. I open my eyes, slowly watching my past drift away... It's hard to believe I've let go. My laugh gains hysteria as I fall. I'm completely overwhelmed with joy... I look, I watch, I wait for the right moment to grasp on to something else. My fingernails dig into the side of success and I clench onto something else...

My new life.

I stand alone.

When I said something's gotta give, I knew the something was going to be me. I knew that I was going to have to become stronger than I already am, pick myself up from realities brutal bashing and keep pushing forward. I have come to [once again] another realization that I am completely alone in my world. My trivial world. Me and a friend were talking about this subject, earlier in the day today. In the sceme of things, none of us really matter. The reason behind me not showing any caring for the dramatic happenings here, is because of this reason. In the world as I know it, and this is merely my opinion, which counts for even less... we are meaningless. Yet, in the contradictory aspect, we're meant for something. We all have a purpose.

This leads me to a question that everyone always asks themselves at one point or another. "What is my purpose?" I don't personally know what my purpose is and I often wonder if I was skipped over or forgotten when they were handed out in line. That is highly unlikely though. But anyway, back on subject. Me and my friend actually had this discussion and a part of me became uneasy and if my memory strikes me correctly, my friend did too... only because we were talking about how trivial everything truly is in our world.

The universe is huge. Fact. We think our world is so gigantic and that the drama we create is so crucial. It truly isn't what everyone makes everything out to be. To me, everything we believe in, is just an illusion. As I'm sitting here in my dorm, there's an example of it, being displayed right in front of me.. and I can't help but witness it and snicker. People talking about other people... these people don't get it. They're just my entertainment. I feel like I'm sitting in a comedy club; one that just doesn't allow drinking and smoking on the premises.

I'm out of it. This probably doesn't make any sense, due to my round, peach little friend. He's sitting on the shoulder of my thoughts and it's difficult to function with him around. He makes it hard to focus. Sleep is sneaking up on me, completely disregarding the time I spent with it earlier... its time to make another visit...

Something has to give.

It seems as though, as the day moves forward, time keeps standing still. Even as I watch the clock tick, I watch time pass... I'm stuck in the same moment. Everything is going to change for me. Everything has changed for me, but its still going to continue to do so. Change is good, when its for the better and I've always been one to embrace it. This beaten path I've chosen, was it the correct one? I still don't know the answer to this question and its the same question I've been asking myself for over a years worth of moments now. I can't keep hiding from myself anymore. I do love myself; I do want to prosper and be something. But how can I do that if I don't even know what it means? What does "be something" mean to me? What does prosperity mean to me? I don't even know where to begin when it comes to finding peace within my life.

The choices I've made haven't always been the greatest ones and I'm the first to admit this. I used to never claim fault for any mistakes I made and I believe I've grown, as far as that is concerned. The battle between me, myself and I has yet to cease. The battles on the outside I face, are no match for the ones within. Every moment is a battle for me. What is wrong with me? Even reading into the past, through this journal I have flipped from something one day, to the next. Even within the same day.

I'm still sitting here, waiting for something to happen. Why do I wait? Why one day do I have the motivation to keep pushing forward, but the next I lack everything..? One moment I can feel as though I have the world at my fingertips... the next... it turns to dust... and my reaction is a cold sweat, tears and this uncontrollable shaking. Nightmare-ish. Sometimes, even while I dream, I dread waking up, because I know what I'm going to have to deal with once my eyes see the light of day. I'm turning into a lurker in shadows. A glare-artist. A person of no remorse. A lifeless being. I need to figure myself out.

I'm tired of people asking me if I need or want their help. It's not so much me not wanting it, or not needing it... it's...

The only person who can help me is me.

Comfortably Numb.

Waking this morning was a difficult task, to say the least. Sleeping for over twelve hours did nothing for my mind other than cause this numbing sensation. Dizziness, blurred vision. Sleep drunk. The reasoning for this feeling is to blame from my round, peach, little friend... My inability to cope with certain things over the past week or so was noticed, and unfortunately the doctor, in this sadistic place, was the one who caught on. I was prescribed another imaginary-friend, even though the physicality of the friend is quite real. Another magic bean, if you will. Which I find amusing because it causes me to become this estranged zombie. I feel as though I'm waiting for something...

Tick, tock. Tick, tock. Tick, tock...

Putting little, oblong cylinders of cancer heaven, to my lungs as a sense of relief while I wait patiently for something to happen. What am I waiting for? Oh yeah, I remember now. My entertainment to slip through the dungeon doors, one by one, like little jesters meant just for me. I wait. I watch. I light up another relief spell and snicker to myself as I see the mini-world I'm in, in this moment, being over-run with blubbering idiots. Foul waste of human dignity and integrity. Do they realize this? Absolutely not. For that, I'm grateful...

Why?

The show wouldn't be worth watching... and unfortunately, the show must go on...

Mood: Euphoric.

I have found motivation. I have found soulistic release. I have realized that I CAN laugh like I've never been hurt; that I CAN love myself; that I CAN live like I am meant to live by the standards I have put upon myself.

I have found my euphoria. I have found peace. Despite my great findings, I know that this too shall pass. I know that I must hold on to this positive feeling, because just as with anything, time changes things. Will this moment of greatness and love be lost, once it's gone? Absolutely not. Even though the statement, "We remember the bad, more so than the good," holds true, I will remember this moment. How do I know this? How could this moment be more significant than any other "great" moment in my life? What makes this moment so special? It's quite simple really.... Just because something is gone, doesn't mean it's lost forever and for the first time in my life, I truly feel like I love myself.

Brick walls fight back.

The weather hoped for today is calm and sunny, but unfortunately the air is full of bullshit. I wake up knowing that today, in this place of grinding teeth, clenching fists and willingness to stampede through whatever it takes to get some sort of coping closure... is going to be the same as any other day. But! Through this routine of negativity, I have screamed "Eureka!" within my subconscious. As I've stated before, everything is temporary. The sound of buzzing in my ear, not from a bee, which would be far more friendly than where it's actually coming from -- a former friend. Here we go with that word again... In this moment, I have never felt so alone, but yet, I want to skip, jump, dance... I want to laugh.

I do laugh.

We've all heard the saying, "It's calm before the storm." Well, the storm hasn't blown over yet despite the clouds clearing -- I'm in the eye. Out of a gracious heart, it's giving me room to breathe ... and I'm standing in the middle, arms spread open... laughing. Realizing, things happen for a reason. I start to dance; the drops of rain start to fall on my face again; the wind kisses my cheeks and grazes my fingertips as I dance the moments away, in bliss.

In this moment, I am free...

Don't read this. Close your eyes. Click the little "X" in the red box on the upper, right-hand corner of your screen. This is not something you'll want to read, nor am I someone you'll want to know anything about. I don't even want to know me. Because of this, I've lost track of my own being in this persistently problematic life I lead. I'm at the edge of this cliff, pebbles falling beneath my toes... arms spread open and in the back of my mind, hoping to fall. Praying to myself, due to my lack in belief in anything else, I slip... but also having an underlying hope that I don't. I've reached my limit with pseudo-happiness and for the first time in a long time, I'm ready for something real. It's truly, all or nothing, for me at this point.

This past year has been such a growth experience but sometimes I feel as though I've grown opposite to what I should have. I feel like the direction on the path I've chosen has miraculously gotten switched, flipped, turned and spun into a giant pathway/series of bumps. It's no longer a path or road to success or failure. It's rocks and boulders spread throughout the width of a raging river that I have to jump to and from, in hopes of reaching safety across the way. We live to die. Just as well as visa versa. Despite the twisted web I've woven for myself; no matter the lingering storm above my head that seems never-ending, I keep telling myself this is all just a dream. Everything is temporary. Those words alone, have pulled me back from that free falling feeling, rewound the tape that is my life and have helped me through the -- what seemed, impossible. There is still more to come, from this story. This is no fairy-tale. This is not a happily-ever-after.

I live. I will die.

I am.