I never thanked the people who opened my mind.

Once again, I'm starting fresh. Out with the old, in with the new, as they say. But who arethey anyway? I've had quite a few of these blog things, but I've never really stuck with them. I wonder if that's one of those subconscious things telling me I can't commit. Forrest Gump said it best. "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get." That statement has been so true for me and my life it's almost ridiculous. The ups and downs that I've had, even in the past few weeks, have been enough to drive someone over the edge.

First off, I just want to say that everything I've gone through has been a growing experience. Some things were harder than others... but I learned from everything. I recently just lost someone close to me... or rather, I thought was close to me. It's better now, if I get it off of my chest. I never was good at that, when going through things initially... I always have to put expressions on hold. I'm not very good with venting and coping at the same time... multi-tasking isn't my forte.

To make a long story short[er] (or try my best anyway), a man that I was in love with for over four years, was nothing but a liar and a cheat. How out of the ordinary is that? [/Sarcasm] Men are pigs, all of us women know this. Shit, even men know it. They take pride in it. What killed me was, this particular man, claimed to be a knight in shining armor. But alas, he was nothing but a wolf in sheep's clothing. He lied to me about who he was, what he was... four years -- a lie. I'm over it now, but it's definitely something that I need to remember. I can't just put it in the back of my mind and pretend it never happened. No -- that wouldn't be logical. I have to keep my mind open and aware.

Alls well that ends well, though. Another recent event was the fact that a person who I've known ever since I was sixteen, but haven't really talked to for a few years, finally came back into my life, full force. A door closed, a window opened. It's funny how things work out for the better.

All in all, with everything that's happened.... I consider myself lucky.

Transparency Syndrome.

I feel like a looking glass.

View your life before and after.

Right through me.

Good or bad, it's all just news.

Another day spent, another lesson learned. I was right all along when it comes to those I consider friends or family -- bunch of drama queens. Another day, another dollar, another wasted moment. Blech. I'm so sick of this pathetic mood I'm in. Maybe it's the weather. It's been quite dreary lately and it's causing me to be this Edgar Allan Poe-ish character, of sorts. My moods change with the wind, or so my mother tells me. Hm. I'm sitting here pondering as to what I actually had to write about... It's interesting really, and I find myself comedic because of this... but I know that writing things down, keeps me in line. Helps me stay focused, collected -- calm. But instead of writing every day so I never reach the point of blowing up, I just wait for that moment to arise, then jot everything down. God, I'm nuts. No -- not nuts. I'm just ready to experience something beautiful. Truly beautiful, instead of seeing misery. So no, I retract that statement. Not nuts -- hopeful. I'm trying my hardest to be in the greatest of moods. I've made tons of new friends since I've been home, I'm working... getting ready to get back in school. Life is truly good. I just need to keep my chin up. I'm listening to one of my all time favorite songs right now and it makes me smile. Screeching Weasel's " Sunshine".

" So let the sunshine in and chase away your blues. 'Cause smilers never lose and frowners never win, so let the sunshine in, I know its fucking hard, but now its time to try and start to let the sunshine in. The sun's gonna shine on you. So, let the sunshine through."

What goes up, must come down.

So I've learned over the past half a decade, whatever rises, must fall to its demise. Whether or not we see this as our reality, is our own choice. Most people try to avoid the negatives... I, the disfunctional as well as malfunctional human that I am, embrace them. Call it a gift or curse. It means little to me, I just assume you're just as I am, picking on others faults. Funny how we're one in the same, isn't it?

Anyway, the reason that I had brought this up to begin with is to talk about myself. A laugh escapes me, from that comedic slur of words. I'm so vain. But only to a certain degree. Beautiful things give me a glimpse of hope, for something better. The harsh, brutal and ugly, just give me stepping stones to get a better look at my beloved. But, if you think about it, that makes me a harsh, brutal and ugly. How do I save myself from the demise of those I choose to step on? Blend in. Keep a keen eye. I have such a scewed view of things. Am I crazy? I ponder way too much for my own good. I question everything... and I have a feeling that this is the cause of my downfall.

Why ask why?

It's one hell of a question.

I question humankind, as Icarus questioned his powers of flight, to rise to the sun. Only to fall, to his death in the Aegean Sea...

I can only hope that my fall is as just and poetic...

Blech.

Is it truly this easy to slip back into a rhythm, that was created so long ago? A pattern that has been strayed away from for a year? Well, from my experience this last week... nothing is impossible. I don't really want to talk about it though... because from what I know about myself, talking gets me nowhere. I can sit, talk and bullshit all day long, but when it comes to doing something, I have to just do it. So, new subject.

I need to find something I love...

Speaking of love... I'm turning into such a pessimist. What is love? Do I even know what love truly is? These questions have been running through my mind for the longest time and I have yet to answer them. Maybe I just think I know what love is. I've had this brick wall built up so high, when it comes to giving someone my all in a romantic way. I'm listening to him sing his songs of love and loss and I feel my heart sinking in my chest...

My wall is starting to snap, crack and tumble...

I'm scared now -- unfortunately, this feeling is all too familiar...

Is home truly where the heart is?

Well, I have reached my final destination and that statement alone equally elates and terrifies me. What will I do now? Where will I go? The possibilities are endless for me now and for some reason, having the world at my fingertips scares the daylights out of me. Maybe its the lack of sleep, the excessive smoking of cigarettes to curb the hunger pains that came to haunt me for twelve hours. Maybe I'm just nervous and mistaking it for fear. From what I've learned throughout my life, there is a fine line between the two... despite its pt. size, it's still there. The missing of my friends from what seems like a completely different life, is setting in. I feel as though I've experienced reincarnation first hand. I just didn't quite become the bird that so many people wish to be. I hatched, blossomed and slightly flew. Soaring was out of the question for me at the present time. I don't think I even know how to soar. I don't think that's something that can be taught... it has to be felt. Right now I feel nothing but the longing for my companions, from the previous life I longed to leave, for so long. Was I rushing? Was I really not ready for this? I just tricked myself into thinking I was?

No.

I have to stop and think... no -- realize, that I'm grown. It's time to do things and live my life as I'm supposed to. But, sorry to burst the bubble for the rest of you machines who dare to call yourselves human beings, I will not run around talking robotics. I refuse to be like everyone else... getting up at six-thirty in the morning to be at work by seven fifty-five. Remember: If your early you're on time... on time, you're late. Thinking about the trivial things I went through this past year, makes me ridiculously sick. No walking on green grass. No wearing flipflops outside. No dressing the way you want to dress, because it gives you individuality. To them, you're nothing but a robot of soul destruction. A number. An identification card.

I regret nothing of what I've said and done. Without the previous mistakes I've made in my life, to have gotten me to that point... I wouldn't have met the wonderful people I had. Beautiful people. Intelligent people. The only worry I have is this -- being forgotten. I have this impeccible memory of the people I meet and the people I make friends with. No matter how long its been, how far away people get from me, no matter what they end up doing with their lives, I will always remember them. I never forget a face and a name. I always tend to care and miss people who have long forgotten about me. I hope, that for once in my life the good ones I've met, get to stay for a while...

My fall and my rise..

I'm up, walking again with my head held high. What a sense of relief it is to feel nothing for the trivial things that go on. To reach the point of my own inner persona bliss. There's a song that I'm listening to at this current time and it's just my kind of perfect. It talks about not giving up, not settling, not giving in. I found out this morning that I'm finally going home from this place that has dragged me down, yet helped me rise to where I am now.

They were lying when they said, "home is where the heart is." For some reason my heart is here, with my friends that I've made... and the stories I've created with these people. The memories we've shared. The ones I'm speaking of, know who they are and I will have a spot in my heart, forever for them. My artistic pal with the laugh I will most surely miss; my pill-popping buddy who shares my will to live life to the fullest and with spontaneity; my best friend, who was there for me no matter what. Through the late nights and early afternoons of crying my eyes out; through the brutal bashings of my fellow classmates, he cared for me and helped me pick myself up, by his kind words and was the only one, throughout the whole time I had been here, to treat me with complete respect. For him, if he ever reads this (or even if he doesn't)... thank you.