Here we are again.

My, my, my. What a long time it's been and it seems nothing has changed much in relation to how I feel about my life. For the last three years it's been this ongoing struggle to love my life. What has happened to me? Where did all of the joy and love for living go? I look to the stars and sky for hope, but for what? Why have I continued to dwell on the negatives instead of create the positives? 

I'm so lost. I don't even know who I've become. I've become comfortable with the idea of being alone and allowing myself to wander freely. To discover the world with myself. To rely on only me. This journal has truly brought me to my knees emotionally... only because I'm still only finding myself talking about things instead of taking action. 

My blast from the past has definitely stuck around. It's so funny how things happen. Another question to ponder... why? Why for? What is the purpose of all of this? To drive me absolutely bonkers with wonder?

The soul searching I've longed for, for so long truly needs to be acted upon. I'm just going to go. I'm going to just disappear into the great beyond. Find myself. Screw making plans with other people. Screw having other people included in my life that don't deserve to be a part of it. 

No more talking. Only action. Farewell old me. 

Forks.

We all go through life changing situations, decisions, do's and don'ts. The choices that I have to make not to mention the ones that I've already made, are life changing ones. I'm at the end of this road that I've taken thus far and it has reached its dead end. It's time for me to take the fork in the road that was presented to me and see where it leads.

Even though this new and exciting road ahead has presented itself, a blast from the past has done the same. Now, not only do I have one fork, but two. Can or will these roads meet up with each other eventually? My blast from the past is a long time friend, a first love, a light at the end of the tunnel. But as I said before, there's a fork in the road.

Decisions, decisions.

Am I greedy if I say I want both?

-SHRUG-

Some might consider me gluttonous. I, for the first time in my life, am going to make a selfish decision. I'm going to take my own road and create my own path to the other. This is going to be one fantastic journey.

Break. Snap. Crack.

This week has been an interesting one, that's for sure. The things that have been going on are just too ridiculous to even rehash. The bullshit that comes with trying to please everyone constantly, has got me on edge. The stress of moving has made everyone go at each others throats. People being two-faced. This whole situation has become a disaster and I'm not sure if I even want to be a part of it anymore. The people that are going on this voyage have no idea what they're getting themselves into and they're all going blind.

I have reached my limit. The choice I made to switch tracks has already cost me too much.

I'm done.

I never thanked the people who opened my mind.

Once again, I'm starting fresh. Out with the old, in with the new, as they say. But who arethey anyway? I've had quite a few of these blog things, but I've never really stuck with them. I wonder if that's one of those subconscious things telling me I can't commit. Forrest Gump said it best. "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get." That statement has been so true for me and my life it's almost ridiculous. The ups and downs that I've had, even in the past few weeks, have been enough to drive someone over the edge.

First off, I just want to say that everything I've gone through has been a growing experience. Some things were harder than others... but I learned from everything. I recently just lost someone close to me... or rather, I thought was close to me. It's better now, if I get it off of my chest. I never was good at that, when going through things initially... I always have to put expressions on hold. I'm not very good with venting and coping at the same time... multi-tasking isn't my forte.

To make a long story short[er] (or try my best anyway), a man that I was in love with for over four years, was nothing but a liar and a cheat. How out of the ordinary is that? [/Sarcasm] Men are pigs, all of us women know this. Shit, even men know it. They take pride in it. What killed me was, this particular man, claimed to be a knight in shining armor. But alas, he was nothing but a wolf in sheep's clothing. He lied to me about who he was, what he was... four years -- a lie. I'm over it now, but it's definitely something that I need to remember. I can't just put it in the back of my mind and pretend it never happened. No -- that wouldn't be logical. I have to keep my mind open and aware.

Alls well that ends well, though. Another recent event was the fact that a person who I've known ever since I was sixteen, but haven't really talked to for a few years, finally came back into my life, full force. A door closed, a window opened. It's funny how things work out for the better.

All in all, with everything that's happened.... I consider myself lucky.

Transparency Syndrome.

I feel like a looking glass.

View your life before and after.

Right through me.

Good or bad, it's all just news.

Another day spent, another lesson learned. I was right all along when it comes to those I consider friends or family -- bunch of drama queens. Another day, another dollar, another wasted moment. Blech. I'm so sick of this pathetic mood I'm in. Maybe it's the weather. It's been quite dreary lately and it's causing me to be this Edgar Allan Poe-ish character, of sorts. My moods change with the wind, or so my mother tells me. Hm. I'm sitting here pondering as to what I actually had to write about... It's interesting really, and I find myself comedic because of this... but I know that writing things down, keeps me in line. Helps me stay focused, collected -- calm. But instead of writing every day so I never reach the point of blowing up, I just wait for that moment to arise, then jot everything down. God, I'm nuts. No -- not nuts. I'm just ready to experience something beautiful. Truly beautiful, instead of seeing misery. So no, I retract that statement. Not nuts -- hopeful. I'm trying my hardest to be in the greatest of moods. I've made tons of new friends since I've been home, I'm working... getting ready to get back in school. Life is truly good. I just need to keep my chin up. I'm listening to one of my all time favorite songs right now and it makes me smile. Screeching Weasel's " Sunshine".

" So let the sunshine in and chase away your blues. 'Cause smilers never lose and frowners never win, so let the sunshine in, I know its fucking hard, but now its time to try and start to let the sunshine in. The sun's gonna shine on you. So, let the sunshine through."

What goes up, must come down.

So I've learned over the past half a decade, whatever rises, must fall to its demise. Whether or not we see this as our reality, is our own choice. Most people try to avoid the negatives... I, the disfunctional as well as malfunctional human that I am, embrace them. Call it a gift or curse. It means little to me, I just assume you're just as I am, picking on others faults. Funny how we're one in the same, isn't it?

Anyway, the reason that I had brought this up to begin with is to talk about myself. A laugh escapes me, from that comedic slur of words. I'm so vain. But only to a certain degree. Beautiful things give me a glimpse of hope, for something better. The harsh, brutal and ugly, just give me stepping stones to get a better look at my beloved. But, if you think about it, that makes me a harsh, brutal and ugly. How do I save myself from the demise of those I choose to step on? Blend in. Keep a keen eye. I have such a scewed view of things. Am I crazy? I ponder way too much for my own good. I question everything... and I have a feeling that this is the cause of my downfall.

Why ask why?

It's one hell of a question.

I question humankind, as Icarus questioned his powers of flight, to rise to the sun. Only to fall, to his death in the Aegean Sea...

I can only hope that my fall is as just and poetic...